Giving Thanks

Today was a tricky one. I feel like the days when I get on my high horse about something I feel that other people need to understand is always a tricky one. Today I felt that other people need to understand that God’s ways are better than our ways. After I thought that, God’s way superseded my plans and I was not happy about it. At all.

My husband and I are moving to another state in 3 weeks. Originally I was not a fan of the idea of moving. There were too many complications in the way, and I don’t relish the idea of change very much. In the past 6 months I had married, moved from my home state, and gotten pregnant. Wasn’t that enough change for now? Besides, I was just beginning to get settled in this new state.

It was when I stopped to consider things besides my own desires that I realized I was being narrow minded. I needed to consider what was best for our family, and what God wanted us to do. (After all, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m a big believer that God, not only seeing but also drawing the big picture, really knows what’s best for me.) After considering things in this new light, and praying about it, Sam and I feel that God made His direction very clear that it was time for us to move.

I’m balancing between excitement and sorrow. We have made some special friends and connections here and I’m sorry to leave them. We’ve also had the benefit of being able to begin our married life without the tugs and pull of familiar obligations. Moving away from all family and friends creates a unique opportunity for a new couple to establish their own home, find a church together, and develop friendships without the concern of disappointing the natural expectations of others. On the other hand, I am looking forward to being near family again, being able to get together casually and easily without that rushed feeling of trying to get in all the visiting before it’s time to go home again. So I’ve been on a teeter totter of making plans with my nieces and nephews for when I live close to them, and mourning with my neighbor and church family over the imminent good-byes.

We are on the final countdown really. With a whole house to pack up and furniture to list, final to-do list items, address change notifications, trying to get together with others one last time… Here’s where I lost my way:

With all of this going on, my husband’s romanticized (by others) flying job has decided this afternoon, that they will need him to fly to another state tomorrow and stay until Friday. They have also finally (we hope) made up their minds about the spring break trip they want to take, which will have him leave this Saturday and not return until Easter Sunday afternoon or evening.

There went our carefully worked out dinner plans with friends from church.

There goes the remainder of our time here and any other plans we wanted to make.

There goes a whole house to pack by myself.

I was mad. I was unthankful. I hated his job and its inability to schedule anything in advance. I knew it wasn’t my husband’s fault., but I sure let him feel the brunt of it.

My husband is a big believer in thankfulness. His intent is not to steer God, but to maintain an attitude of gratitude. His prayers are full of thankfulness, rarely requests. When I was ill and in pain, his prayer was often one of thankfulness for God’s healing of my body. “What healing?” I was tempted to ask. But my husband is also a believer in God’s faithfulness and mercy. I sit here today, feeling a level of normal I did not know I would ever feel again.

Tonight, at dinner, after I told him I was sorry for my attitude, he slyly started to name some things he was thankful for. Things that his job had allowed us to do.

Silly me, allowing myself to get puffed up, thinking I had a few things right. Boy was I missing it.

“God knows” is a phrase I started saying to myself over New Years. There were such strange things happening. Things that could really knock the wind out of a person. But, “God knows,” I would say, in wonder. He knew that would happen. There must be a reason for it. “God knows” became my mantra for a season. It was what I said when I waivered in faith regarding my pregnancy and whether I would be able to deliver my baby safely at home or not. “God knows, and He works all things together for good.” It was what I wrote in my journal when the idea of moving presented itself. I wanted His way. “God knows what is the best thing for us. We can trust Him.” It was what I wholeheartedly believed in the hospital when they told me my baby would not live. “God knows. My baby will be safer with Him than I could ever make him here on earth.” And in the days and weeks that followed….

That brings us to today. Having spent the day in a weird mixture of emotions for and against, excited and disappointed, happy and sad, I forgot that God knows. He knew about this pop up trip before Sam’s boss even knew about it. He knew about our dinner plans. He knew when the spring break trip would happen. He knows we’re trying to move on the 15th. He knows, better than we do, how much packing we have to do. He knew I would catch a cold last weekend. He knows it all. He’s the Master Planner.

I can’t tell you how many times these last few months I have been told what a strong person I am. Well let me tell you, I do not feel strong at all when I can flip flop from giving thanks and trusting in the worst of times to flipping out and sulking in the best of times. I know that God gave me the strength I needed in those times of trusting. It was no virtue on my part.

When I was living in my recliner chair, waiting –no, longing for healing, I remember thinking how full of thankfulness I would be if God let me sleep in my own bed again. And I was so full of thankfulness. I still am when I remember the nights in the recliner. But I allow myself to forget so often, so easily.

Even as I type this, I’m sitting on a stool in my own kitchen. Today I prepared the meals for myself and my husband. I did the dishes. I made our bed. I spent a good hour in the sunshine visiting with my wonderful neighbor, all without pain. I haven’t used my recliner in weeks! What a praise! What a wonderful gift!

My husband and I have experienced the love and welcome of a wonderful church family here in Arizona. Friends to fellowship with; encourage and be encouraged by; pray with. Friends who are sorry to see us go and who we are sorry to leave. What a special thing!

Our neighbors across the street have loved on us like family. Game nights, dinners together, looking after our house while we were away, taking me under their wing and feeding me when Sam had a trip and I was dealing with morning sickness, helping Sam to build a box for our baby to be buried in. They will never know what a blessing they have been to us.

And then we get to move to Sam’s home state, be near his family, and half of mine too. I’ll be able to be with family –get together with sisters next time Sam has a long trip. We’ll be able to do life together, be there for each other. So many of our family have traveled to be there for us in these past few months. We are so blessed to have such a wonderful caring family on both sides! I know that is a priceless gift.

I’m excited for my husband’s new job. I think they will value him better. And they intend to have a better schedule, which will be nice. 😉 But God knows about that too, doesn’t He?

He’s been good, God has. I’m glad He knows about all of these things. I’m glad He knows the inner workings. The why’s of them all. The more I have the chance to zoom out on the overall picture, the more I see His goodness, His work in all of us. I can truly be thankful in all things with such a good and mighty God at work.