Missing Theodore

All my life Christmas has been a season of joy and love, togetherness and warmth. I personally love indulging in my “Christmas Music” playlist and doing festive things like getting hot drinks and looking at lights, or going to a Christmas Program at a church, or having a party with cookies and more hot drinks… There are some stereotypes in Christmas songs and Christmas movies about those who are sad at Christmas because they are missing someone whom they love. I always thought I appreciated those reminders, but they never really dampened my joy.

Last December my Christmas season, despite being sick and still somewhat morning sick, was even more exciting. I was planning the future traditions of our family. Thinking about ways to instill in our child that it is better to give than to receive, while simultaneously buying and wrapping every possible gift I could conceive of for Sam. Most specifically a cardboard book called Daddy and Me, and a keychain with a note “from our baby” telling him what a good dad he was going to be.

Our neighbor, at the time, took me out to JoAnn’s and had me pick out fabric so that she could make stockings for our family. One for Sam, one for me, and one for the baby. I hung those stockings so proudly, so lovingly from our mantel that year, dreaming about next year, when there would be a baby crawling around, claiming his or her stocking.

Last December was a long time ago.

As this Thanksgiving came and went, I realized I was depressed whenever I thought about pulling out the Christmas decorations. I wanted to do it, but I kept thinking about that third stocking. Theodore’s stocking. Do I leave it in the garage? I couldn’t do that. Do I hang it? I thought that might seem ridiculous. Like I was hanging on to something that I couldn’t have. I dissolved over this thought one Sunday morning as I was getting ready for church. I sobbed my heart out over a stocking. Or perhaps over the hopes and dreams I had held in my heart. Or perhaps it was all of those things and more. I don’t know.

It’s been a bittersweet December. Our friends and family have been so kind. They let me hold their babies and cuddle and snuggle them. They love on me and tell me I’m not ridiculous. They pray for me when they don’t even know what a mess I am. I don’t know what I would do without them.

I hung three stockings tonight. Theodore’s is hanging from the mantel right next to the set of pictures my sister-in-law so sweetly framed for us commemorating his life. I don’t know that I will always hang a stocking for him. But for this year, I will. I miss him. He will always be such an important part of my life.

I hesitated to write very much about his birth here. I mean, you might say, “What are you talking about? You reference it constantly.” And maybe I do. But there is so much that God did in my life through Theodore, and there is still so much that I ponder. There is still a lot of physical and emotional healing to be seen. And there is a lot of God’s goodness to tell. I probably will write about it more.

Sometimes I feel silly, like I should move on or that others are probably sick of my bringing him up. I don’t want to hold on to something that I cannot have, and yet, I do have Theodore. I have his pictures. I have the memories of growing with him through pregnancy. I have the weight of his tiny little body memorized in my arms. I have the wonder of God’s handiwork in a tiny and perfect little life that held so much in such a short little time. And I have the forever changes in my body, my heart, and my mind because of him. He will always be my first-born. And even though we are not currently raising children, we are parents because of him.

Earlier this year, Theodore’s Grandmommy (Sam’s mom) wrote him a poem. With her permission, I’m going to share it here. I feel like it sums up how I’ve been feeling this month.

Theodore Joe

I’m gonna miss
Your smile,
The sparkle in those handsome eyes
Running toward me,
arms stretched wide
Big ol’ hug and swinging ride
But most of all—holding you close.

I’m gonna miss
Hearing your little quotes
Thoughts and words all your own
Getting to help you learn to read
Seeing your kindness in word and deed
But most of all—holding you close.

I’m gonna miss
Your special prayers,
sweet little songs,
And sandy hair
Holding hands,
Skipping rocks
Then, of course, those heartfelt talks
But most of all—holding you close.

I’m gonna miss
Your antics and laughter,
stories and questions
Dreams ever after
Special moments being with you
All that you share, all that you do
But most of all—holding you close.

I’m gonna miss
How you look in your mama’s eyes
Giggles when dad throws you up in the sky
Excited voice saying,”Hey Mom, watch me fly!”
But most of all—holding you close.

I’m gonna miss
Seeing you workin’ with daddy side by side
Sweat pouring down and smile wide
Back to back, another inch
“Can I show you this?”
while twisting a wrench.
But most of all—holding you close.

There’s so much more that I could write
I’m so glad that
Jesus hugs you tight
He gives you life in His own special way
Knowing you’re friends with Him brightens my day.

You skipped this life for a better one
No tears or crying, no sorrow or pain,
There’s joy in the morning and all through the day.
And Jesus is holding you close.

The things that bring the joys we show
Cannot compare to the One you know
His presence gladdens the smallest heart
His smile warms you from head to toe
Overwhelms you with great delight
Throughout the day where there is no night

You’re gaining wisdom
You are His own
You’re getting to know Him,
Theodore Joe
In His presence
That never ends
His little lambs He lovingly tends.

You’re all in
Holding nothing back
You’re all about your Father’s business
Didn’t we know?
We’re sure going to miss watching you grow
We love you, Precious, and want you to know.
You will ever be in our hearts
And we look forward to holding you close.